FerrariDave

You’ve Got To Love It

Written by David Dunn on February 13, 2008 – 11:43 pm - 857 views

During my regular reading of PistonHeads today, I came across an article titled Copper Load of This.

The article itself is a few photos of a police car with a parking fine on it’s windscreen. Not only did I find this quite amusing, they were also taken in Newcastle (not far from me) (that’s UPON-TYNE for you government officials out there ).

This one ain’t no joke parking ticket either, it’s an actual ticket from Newcastle City Council Parking Services ticket.

There was also a fourth photograph taken by ‘Mr Marple’ which shows the officer removing the ticket from his windscreen - this photo can be found on Flickr by clicking here.

I always like to see stuff like this as it shows that the police aren’t always above the law!

Motoring Joke - Porsche and Hedgehog

Written by David Dunn on January 16, 2008 – 7:55 am - 881 views

What’s the difference between a Porsche and a hedgehog?

A hedgehog has its pricks on the outside.

Source: Comedy Central

Wedding Anniversary

Written by David Dunn on January 8, 2008 – 7:01 pm - 1,723 views

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Source: ShadowKnight

Smoking In The Rain

Written by David Dunn on January 6, 2008 – 3:31 pm - 22,343 views

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, “Hey that’s a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?”

The other old lady said, “It’s a condom.”

“A condom? Where do you get those?”

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, “What size do you want?”

The old lady thought for a minute and said, “One that will fit a Camel.”

Source: Comedy Central

New Year’s Resolutions - Over Time!

Written by David Dunn on December 31, 2007 – 3:42 pm - 8,872 views

• 2004: I will get my weight down below 170.
• 2005: I will watch my calories until my weight is below 200.
• 2006: I will follow my new diet until I get below 220.
• 2007: I will work out once a week.
• 2008: I will drive past a gym at least once a week.

—–

• 2004: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
• 2005: I will read at least 10 books a year.
• 2006: I will read 5 books a year.
• 2007: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
• 2008: I will subscribe to a good humor e-mail list this year.

—–

• 2004: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
• 2005: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
• 2006: I will be totally out of debt by next year.
• 2007: I will try to pay off the debt interest by next year.
• 2008: I will try to be out of the country by next year.

—–

• 2004: I will sponsor a disadvantaged foreign child this year.
• 2005: I will sponsor a disadvantaged domestic child this year.
• 2006: I will sponsor one kid for lunch at McDonald’s this year.
• 2007: I will sponsor one of my kids for lunch at McDonald’s this year.
• 2008: I will endeavor to remember my children’s names this year.

—–

• 2004: I will cut my smoking down to no more than one pack a day.
• 2005: I will cut my smoking down to two packs a day — OK, three.
• 2006: I will try to stop smoking pot this year.
• 2007: I will try to stop smoking crack this year.
• 2008: Now that I’ve quit smoking, I’ll try to stop shooting heroin and meth this year.

Source: Jumbo Joke

I thought they were quite funny anyways

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

Little Johnny’s Big Answer

Written by David Dunn on December 30, 2007 – 12:05 am - 761 views

It is near the end of the school year.  The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this. Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today.”

Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”

Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”

Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”

Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”

Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can   do for you’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says,  “John F. Kennedy.”

Teacher: “That’s right  Nancy, you may also leave.”

Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”

The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!”

Johnny: “BILL CLINTON.  CAN I GO NOW?”

Source: Comedy Central

Why English Is So Hard To Learn

Written by David Dunn on December 28, 2007 – 10:04 am - 644 views

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Source: Comedy Central

The Love Dress

Written by David Dunn on December 18, 2007 – 7:08 pm - 590 views

A woman goes over to her married son’s house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says, “What the hell are you doing?”“I’m wearing my love dress,” responds the daughter-in-law, “We haven’t made love in a long time.”

So the mother-in-law says, “Hm, maybe I should try that.”

She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband’s car. He walks in the front door and says, “What the fuck are you doing?”

“I’m wearing my love dress,” says the wife.

“Well,” responds the husband, “it needs to be ironed.”

Source: Comedy Central

Beer Brothers

Written by David Dunn on December 13, 2007 – 11:17 am - 3,100 views

A man walks into a pub and says, “Give me three pints of Guinness, please.” So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I’ll bring you a fresh one as soon as you’re low.”

The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we’re drinking together.”

The bartender thinks it’s a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy’s three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, “Knowing your tradition, I’d just like to just say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”

The man replies, “Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking.”

Source: Comedy Central